


It Doesn’t Feel Like Life Day

by HunterByDayWhovianByNight



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Jedi as Found Family (Star Wars), Life Day (Star Wars), Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:06:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28279602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterByDayWhovianByNight/pseuds/HunterByDayWhovianByNight
Summary: “I have learned that to be with those I like is enough.” —Walt WhitmanWithout Obi-Wan there, it doesn’t feel like Life Day for Anakin, but Ahsoka shows him that it can be alright.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Mentioned Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Mentioned Padmé Amidala / Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	It Doesn’t Feel Like Life Day

**Author's Note:**

> I have been sitting on posting this fic since AUGUST! Merry Christmas (Eve) to everyone, even though it is still the 23rd when I’m posting this! I hope you enjoy this fic and your holidays. 
> 
> ~Hunter
> 
> P.S.: There is listening material to accompany the reading material! My Anakin + Ahsoka playlist can be found [here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6QSSjUjbqRHqDkGQgkhUTA?si=x98YXdYfTkm7O8uhYWtlnw)

Normally, Anakin loved the Temple’s Life Day celebrations. He loved the festive decorations, the food, the music, the trees, the lights, and the sweater that Obi-Wan only wore once a year. It was always nice having the whole Temple celebrating together; you could feel the Force thrumming with happiness and joy and love the whole weekend wherever you went. There was the smell of Corellian cinnamon, pine, and warm sugar floating through the air, pulling younglings and Masters alike from their quarters and training rooms and out into the halls where they could socialize. The usually cold, open-aired building felt cozy and warm around Life Day.

And the Eve party they held every year? It was more beautiful and joyous than any festival or party he’d been allowed to attend as a child ( _slave_ , his subconscious corrected) on Tatooine. He and Obi-Wan would dance through the night, swap stories with other Jedi they hadn’t seen in a while, and then watch the fireworks explode over the Coruscant skyline at midnight. Being with the people he’d come to know as family on a day that was all about celebrating family always made him feel happy. The sting of not being with his mother dulled when he saw Obi-Wan’s brotherly smile or felt his warm hugs. 

But something felt wrong about this year. What with a freshly-brewed war looming over the galaxy and scattering the Jedi in a desperate attempt to keep the peace, it just felt... off. The usually colorful, ornate buntings were like bandages covering up the empty hallways. The warm, spicy scents were like bad perfume covering up a foul smell. The bright orbs of light were dull, and only cast ominous shadows on the walls. Anakin felt undeniably lonely. All he could think about as he walked the halls was how hollow both his chest and the Temple felt. 

For some indiscernible reason, it hurt even more to see Ahsoka happily running through the Temple halls and gardens with her former classmates. He felt jealous of her ability to enjoy the festive decor and help decorate the Temple archways with the younglings. He felt guilty that he couldn’t be the attentive, encouraging Master that Obi-Wan had been when he was a little boy for Ahsoka, encouraging her to hang another wreath or light another orb before turning in for her studies. He was frustrated with himself for being moody and not contributing to the cheer while everyone else was chattering and laughing and smiling. 

Right now, the festooned and beribboned Temple felt more like a cage than a home. 

Even when he did genuinely try to get out of his own head and enjoy the festive decorations or listen to Ahsoka’s ramblings about what she decorated that day, it went in one ear and out the other. He itched to be riding a speeder again or slashing through a battle droid. He’d even trade his week of leave and festivities for being stuck on a long hyperspace journey in a cruiser; at least then he’d have direction. Somewhere to go.

(Perhaps it was because Obi-Wan wasn’t with Anakin for Life Day for the first time. Perhaps it was because the intergalactic war raging through the galaxy was more important than silly decorations and songs and parties. Perhaps it was because there was something actually wrong. But here Anakin Skywalker was, on official leave for a kriffing party.)

Thankfully, Ahsoka was so distracted by the buzz leading up to the big Life Day Eve party that she had not realized how withdrawn Anakin had become. While that was probably the result of Anakin keeping certain shields up, Anakin had decided in the back of his mind the first night they returned to Coruscant that he wasn’t going to bring down Ahsoka’s first Life Day after leaving the Temple. She was still young and full of that blinding optimism; he’d let her have this holiday if it made her happy. That was how Anakin found himself at the party, (mostly) against his will. He figured he’d stay for a bit, chat, and then sneak off to his room shortly after midnight, when it would officially be Life Day. 

Anakin stood against the wall, nursing the same cup of punch he poured well over an hour ago, only talking if others came to say hello or if he had to move out of the way. For the most part, he managed to wallflower himself into the shadows of the party and keep to himself, shields up and expressions as flat as he could manage. He tuned the music out, tried not to think about the pulsing lights, and tried to meditate to keep his mind off the feelings of how he’d rather not be at the party. He had even put off his arrival time, not wanting to haunt the party for longer than necessary. 

_“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me now?” Ahsoka asked on her way to the main hall, leaning up against the doorframe in her festive garb. She wore an oversized knitted maroon sweater that hung over her wrists and had sprigs of flowers and leaves tucked into her headdress. Little bells tinkled on the tips of her montrals whenever she moved._

_“I’m sure. Go ahead. I’ll be down there later, don’t worry about me.” Anakin tried not to let on just how much he was dreading going to the party. “I have some… stuff. To take care of. Go have fun.”_

Ahsoka looked like she was having fun, though. She looked as if she hadn’t a care in the world, which admittedly made Anakin feel a little jealous. Just last year, he’d been like her: dancing and singing festive songs and not thinking about all of the other, terrible things that could possibly be happening throughout the galaxy. He’d seen too much to be able to celebrate now. 

“Come dance with me!” Ahsoka called out to him from the designated dance area with a huge grin on her face. Anakin shook his head and waved her away, to which she shrugged at with an expression that could only be described as _whatever._

Master Yoda, though, had come over to make conversation. Nothing ever got past him, no matter how clamped down your shields were. 

“Thinking, you are hmm?” Yoda asked with a knowing chuckle. “About what?”

“Oh, it’s nothing Master Yoda.” Anakin took a sip of his drink to try and avoid answering any more of Yoda’s questions. “I’m fine.”

“Celebrating you would be, if it truly was nothing, young Skywalker.” Yoda nudged his calf with his cane. Anakin tried to take another sip of his punch only to find that it was empty. 

“Is this you telling me that I should try and take my mind off whatever is bothering me and go enjoy myself?” Anakin fought the urge to roll his eyes. 

“Exactly. Go, go! Only once a year is Life Day. Cherish the time we spend with family and friends, we must.” Yoda sounded very pleased with himself. Anakin knew that Master Yoda was right. He was squandering one of the few times he was at the Temple and able to rest, spend time with Ahsoka, not think about the war. He looked up and saw Ahsoka get spun around by Master Plo, much like the way Obi-Wan did to him at his first Life Day Eve party, when he was still small enough to be picked up. He bit his lower lip, considering Master Yoda’s words. 

“I guess you’re right,” Anakin sighed, digging the toe of his boot into the unyielding stone floor. With a longer, more exasperated sigh, he leaned off the wall and placed his empty cup on the table beside him. 

“I know.” Yoda chuckled, mostly to himself, but it made Anakin smile nonetheless. He made his way through the (smaller than previous years) crowd of Jedi dancing and mingling towards where Ahsoka and Master Plo were singing a very amusing, very off-key version of “Deck the Hold” and laughing. As he moved closer, he could hear the little bells on her montrals jingle when she shimmied her shoulders or swayed her head. 

“Did anyone ever tell you that singing _this poorly_ puts a damper on the festivities, Snips?” Anakin nudged her, cutting her off mid-verse. She made an offended sound and nudged him back. 

“You’re just jealous that I know all the words, Master Skywalker.” Ahsoka rolled her eyes and faced him, wearing a cheeky grin. “Maybe that’s why he was over there, _moping_ all by himself.”

“I’ll have you know that I have been working _very_ hard since coming back to Coruscant, and I’m tired,” Anakin teased, going along with her fun. He directed his attention at Master Plo, not wanting to appear rude. “Happy Life Day, Master Plo.”

“Happy Life Day, Anakin.” _This is fine. I can do this. It’s only Master Plo and Ahsoka,_ Anakin thought to himself. “How have you been enjoying the night?”

“The younglings and Padawans have done an excellent job decorating the Temple, as always,” Anakin said as he gestured around the grand hall. And it wasn’t a lie; the less he thought about how much of a sham the holiday felt this year, it did look nice. It brought up nostalgic, sentimental feelings in him. “So it’s not hard to enjoy yourself when it’s so festive all around you.”

(That, admittedly, was a bit of a fudge.)

“Our Little ‘Soka here was the one who led the decorating committee this year,” Master Plo said as he placed an approving hand on Ahsoka’s shoulder. She blushed and turned away, clearly trying to be humble. “Which is probably why the Temple looks so nice. Learn to accept a compliment, Ahsoka.”

“I know, I know. It’s not much, though. I’m just doing my part.” 

_Did I really not know that Ahsoka decorated all this? Was my head so far up my own ass that I completely missed that?_ Anakin made sure to keep his thoughts far behind a shield. It was then when he realized how tense his shoulders were. His whole body, in fact, was tense and closed off. He tried to relax and take a deep breath to appear less defensive. 

“The only thing that would make all of this better was if Master Kenobi was here.” Ahsoka said it so casually, but Anakin’s heart stopped instantly. Obi-Wan’s absence hurt more than he thought it would. Knowing that he was out fighting in the war, too, reminded Anakin that there were other things happening in the galaxy than this party. His palm felt sweaty and he nervously flexed his fingers. His mouth went dry and he could barely speak or breathe. “I’m sure you miss him, don’t you, Master?” 

“I… I’m. I’m sure he and…” Anakin couldn’t seem to find any words his mind was so blank. Ahsoka and Master Plo looked at him inquisitively, entreating him to speak. 

“Anakin? Are you alright?” Master Plo asked with concern. Ahsoka looked worried, too; he sensed some regret in her energy, but mostly confusion. The Force and the air around Anakin seemed to press in tightly around him and suffocate him. He sensed anxiety and worry and confusion and shock swirl around him in a jumbled wave. It was too much for him to handle all at once. 

“I have to go get some fresh air.” Anakin stole away from the pair and zeroed in on the exit out to an unpopulated terrace. He moved quickly past the other Jedi, his mind focused only on being away from everyone. The lights had become too bright, the flowers and wreaths too potent, the music too loud. He needed the open space the night air out on the terrace offered him. 

When he finally got outside, Anakin held onto the balcony’s edge and took a deep breath to clear his mind. The sounds and lights of the party were still close by, but he was far enough away that he could finally exist in his own head. Every negative thought he’d dwelled on or suppressed in the last week came to the forefront of his mind and refused to leave. He shouldn’t be here. He should be doing something about this war. None of the Jedi should be here right now. 

_Whose crazy idea was it to throw a kriffing party in the middle of a war? We’re wasting our time here. Singing stupid songs and hanging decorations and throwing a kriffing party of all things in the middle of a war is a sign that we are delusional,_ Anakin thought to himself as he felt anger bubble up in his chest. _A party doesn’t solve anything. Especially at a time like this._

Anakin leaned against the railing and looked ahead of him. In front of him was the Coruscant skyline, studded with lights and tall buildings and full of speeders and transports. And every shred of anger he had about celebrating this holiday in the middle of a war was simply magnified tenfold. All of these people were distracting themselves from the bigger, more important things. _Don’t they know that their parties and gatherings mean nothing when there are men and women dying on battlefields across the galaxy?_

“Master Skywalker?”

He turned around to find Ahsoka standing a few feet behind him, wearing a concerned expression and fiddling with the cuffs of her sweater in her fingers. He sensed her worry and some anxiety (poorly hidden, he noted), and judging by her body language, she was afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Anakin frowned in disappointment. He didn’t want Ahsoka to worry about him or spend the rest of her night trying to fix something he wasn’t sure could be fixed. 

“Oh. Hey, Ahsoka.” Anakin realized that his shields were down and covertly put some of them back up. “Come out here to spend time with your _mopey_ master?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Anakin regretted them; he didn’t intend to sound so malicious, especially towards Ahsoka. 

“I’m sorry. I was rude. I didn’t want to make you feel like you weren’t welcome,” Ahsoka apologized. She took a step closer towards Anakin. “I just wanted to spend time with you.”

Anakin hung his head and sighed. “I’m sorry for not feeling very festive this year.” He debated telling her the full reason for why, but then Ahsoka rested her head on his arm and he felt his heart grow a little softer. “The war just—it feels like we _shouldn’t_ be celebrating when there’s a war!” A silent beat passed, followed by a joyous shout from inside the Temple.

“But isn’t that what Life Day is for? To spend time with the people you care about?” Ahsoka sighed. “This war... it’s sent everything wayside. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to not take those times for granted.”  
  
A moment of silence passed as Anakin considered Ahsoka’s words. They cut deeper than Master Yoda’s, perhaps because she was his Padawan. Their bond was different. He couldn’t deny the truth of her words. And even though he felt like the festivities were hollow this year, by being so withdrawn and emotionally unavailable, he was denying Ahsoka (who was practically still a youngling, he had to keep reminding himself) a chance to take a step back from the war and be with the people she cared about. 

Anakin took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. “I miss Obi-Wan.” Anakin felt his nose and eyes sting; he _really_ didn’t want to cry right now. “It’s my first Life Day without him since I came to the Temple.”

He sensed Ahsoka’s sadness. “Master, I’m so sorry. I—I didn’t know.” Ahsoka stammered, struggling to find the words to say, to apologize. “What I said back there... I didn’t even realize how casually I said it.”

“It’s alright, Snips.” They stayed silent, unmoving for a few moments, just watching the ships whiz by and enjoying each other’s company. They didn’t need to say anything more, even though they could spend all night talking like they did when Ahsoka stayed in Anakin’s room. As they stood in solitude, with only each other and the Force for company, the music inside began to drift away. The lights of the building and ships dulled to nothing. The chill of the night air evaporated. For once, Anakin felt at peace. It felt like everything could be okay. He didn’t need the decorations or the music or even Obi-Wan for it to feel like Life Day, because Ahsoka was there. He could make new memories and traditions with Ahsoka. For a moment, he even forgot there was a war. 

Impulsively, Ahsoka wrapped her arms around Anakin in a tight hug. “Happy Life Day, Master.” She whispered it against the rough fabric of his tunic, just loud enough for him to hear. It took him aback for a moment—he wasn’t anywhere near being used to hugs—but she was being sincere. Sisterly, even. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders to return the hug. After a few awkward moments, the hug actually felt nice. Her sweater was warm and the flowers in her headdress smelled pretty. The little bells on her montrals made bright, tinkling noises as she buried her face in his chest. 

“Happy Life Day, Snips.” This time when he said it, he meant it. Anakin swore he heard Ahsoka sniffle. 

“You’re the only family I have, Master. I’m glad we got to celebrate together this year.”

Anakin’s heart _shattered._ It took every fiber of his being not to burst into tears, but the more he thought about how much the holiday this year meant to Ahsoka the harder he found it to hold back. Like a flood, all the shields he put up were broken down and his emotions came spilling out. He grabbed onto Ahsoka just a little tighter as he braced himself for a rush of tears he hadn’t cried in a long, long time. The scent of the little red flowers in her headdress filled his nose; how could he have compared them to bad perfume only days ago? _This_ was the nostalgic scent he remembered from his youth. _This_ feeling of togetherness and happiness and… and family. 

Ahsoka pulled back but still kept her arms around him. “Master, are you alright?” Anakin wanted to say he was, but he knew better than to admit that he was fine when there were tears streaming down his face and if he could barely keep a lid on his composure. Ahsoka had _never_ seen him like this before; he’d refused to let her see him emotional and crying. But now? Now that she’d hugged him, told him _Happy Life Day,_ and called him her family? There was no point in trying to hold back. It would be too hard. 

“I’m alright. This holiday means more to me than you’d know, Snips.” Anakin sniffled to try and keep back more tears, but they just kept coming. And this time, he was the one who pulled Ahsoka in for a hug. They stayed like that for a long time, the fireworks bursting behind them and the cheers and music inside erupting. Anakin felt safe and secure, and he sensed Ahsoka felt the same. 

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I am.” Anakin sniffed and wiped away his tears. He pulled away and chuckled to break the heaviness of the moment. “Don’t tell anyone I cried,” Anakin said with a smile as he wiped away his tears. 

“Oh, I’ll tell _everyone_ that _the_ Anakin Skywalker gets weepy on Life Day,” Ahsoka said with a wink. There was no bite in her voice, just their typical siblingly banter. He couldn’t help but smile at her cheekiness. 

“Let’s go inside. It’s tradition for a Master to embarrass their Padawan with their dance moves.” Anakin guided Ahsoka back to the door inside. Ahsoka scoffed. 

“You dance?” She asked incredulously. 

“You can call it that,” Anakin retorted. “But I love to dance, so you’ll have to put up with it either way.” He and Ahsoka made eye contact with each other and shared a smile. 

_Yeah. This is Life Day._

**Author's Note:**

> me, in ya brain: kudos/comment on this fic  
> you: but why  
> me, in ya brain: you gotta
> 
> ~Hunter


End file.
